you spin a story like a spider spins a web...

this journal is deeeeeeead.
but i'll leave it here when i want to get a good laugh.


http://aimtothee.blogspot.com/ = new beginnings.

i think i'm going to start a new journal.

and post pictures and other things.

i think i'm just about over this rut.

i haven't taken pictures in WEEKS, it's ridiculous. my polaroid is collecting dust and my SLR hasn't come out of it's case in much too long.

tomorrow will be a productive day, as was today.

i'm having some sort of mid life crisis.













at the age of 23.

could it be that everything goes round by chance? or only one way that it was always meant to be?

does fate really exist? because if it does, then why do we try and control things all the time? if everything is really destined to happen a certain way then we should just let it be and stop stressing.
but just like everything else in life... that's much easier said than done.

then again when you really think about it fate sounds more like a fairy tale made up story. it's just an excuse to throw in a word for a natural coincidence. it's an excuse to be lazy and "let things happen" rather than MAKE things happen.

i wanna start making some things happen.

i really HATE when i'm in one of these ranting moods but can things just slooooow down a little bit? or maybe speed up to a less bumpy road?

or better yet, if things could just work out. why can't everything just be EASY?

i sound like such a babyyyy. i'll probably delete this in a few days when all my feelings blow over. or my feelings won't ever blow over but i'll feel silly for writing this so i'll delete it then anyway.


it's just i feel like i have no control over anything anymore.
work.
school.
personal shit.
everything is falling apart right now and i hate feeling like everyone's moving and i'm standing still. i'm so irritable and moody and tired all the time. i suddenly have insomnia and i can't sleep at night. but maybe that's just because i have millions of thoughts running through my head. that's nothing new though really, so that doesn't make sense either.
even my writing right now isn't focused... i'm all over the place. i really wish i could just dissapear for a few days, a week, a month? maybe.
get focused, get back on track, and get back to normal. whatever that is. but time away is impossible, so i guess i'll have to figure out another way of getting there.

i'm pretty much an easy going, day by day type of gal.
but lately i can't seem to stop thinking about the future. and wondering what's in store.

what am i doing with my life?
seriously.

sure, i'm still young... but i sure aint gettin any younger. i've been telling myself this since i was 18. i thought it was bad then that i didn't know what i wanted out of my life. 5 years have passed and i feel like i'm in the same boat. sometimes i wish i could go back and be 18 again, but have the knowledge i have now. maybe i'd have a little more direction for a 2nd time around.
i'm terrified of the future but i'm even more terrified of not having a future.
i need goals, passion, aspiration. i'm lacking it all. so i get stuck in these depressing ruts where i stress out about figuring out what i want out of life... which leads me to anxiety... which leads me to stress... which leads me to confusion and questions... which leads me to regret... which leads me to go with the "forget about it" attitude.
and then a little bit of time passes and i start the cycle all over again. right now i'm kind of in the confusion and questioning phase, so i should be moving on from this cycle shortly.
until next time...

i really don't know how i get myself in these complicated situations.
how is it possible to feel happy/excited/sad/confused/anxious and worried all at the same time and all about the same thing.
i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't think... about anything but this situation that is.

this is extremely vague, i know.

basically being NICE and SWEET will get you NOWHERE in life.
if you want something, you have to go for it, and not care about others reactions. unless of course you are causing pain or harm to someone, that's definitely something to take into consideration. but as far as other people's judgements and biases... they're nothing to take into consideration at all.
who cares if people don't like you. everyone doesn't have to LIKE everybody.


if only i could take these words and apply it to my own life. but i'm too much of a people pleaser, push over, and just too nice in general.

i guess it's not exactly a good sign when my nickname around the office has become "sweet tooth" and my boss just walked by and said "what cha eating NOW Amy!?"
hey, i can't help it that there's always something to munch on around here!


WOW.
i'm a fat ass. haha


for reals though, i need to lose some weight. not because i necessarily think i'm overweight... but i have gained a lot the last year or so, and mostly i just want to be a lot more healthy. it's sad that convenience consumes us. or at least me anyway. american culture makes it so easy to seek conveniences rather than health. sad, but true.

this week has been non-stop.
and i somehow managed to get sick. AGAIN.
i swear, i'm falling apart. i've never been so sick and so often as i have in the last couple months. it's getting ridiculous.

but it's also been a fun filled week because my sister has been in town. along with her husband and 3 kids. i just met my nephew for the first time who's 15 months old. it's so bittersweet because it's nice to see them but it's so hard to see them leave because you just get attached all over again. i hate the fact that i see them (on average) once a year. if only they lived closer. *sigh*
i remember all the different visits we've had with them over the years. and every single one ends in my bawling as they get on the plane. i'm so emotional when it comes to my family i swear.

this weekend we're all driving up to cedar city to visit my other sis that lives there. it'll be the first time in maybe 5 (?) years that my whole immediate family has been together. again, a bittersweet situation.

i just hope i can pull it together and get at least somewhat better before tomorrow. i don't want to be sick all weekend. not THIS weekend, of ALL weekends! :/

do not, i repeat DO NOT buy lunchables from gas stations.
i left on my lunch today craving one of those tasty little devils and as soon as i get back to work to eat it, i glance at the box and see it says "USE BY FEB 23"
uhmm whaaaaat!?

so i drove back to the gas station to let them know to take those damn things off the shelves in which the cashier replies "well, you still have a few days....". apparently this woman is living in an alternate universe where we aren't in the current month of march!!!
so the other (smarter) cashier helps me search through the other lunchables in which we discover that all the turkey/american combos are expired. so i had to settle for a ham/cheddar which is completely second best.
i'm so dissapointed, not to mention disgusted.
and yes, i'm writing about this in a journal entry.
and yes, i am a 23 year old who still enjoys an occasional lunchable. don't judge me! hahaha


the end.

cause i think i'm dreaming right now!


august 24th.
san francisco.
radiohead & jack johnson. together!?


i'm goingggggggggggggggg!

sometimes i think i should've been born a dude.
everyone just sees me as "one of the guys" anyway.

i could elaborate more on this, but then i'd just sound whiny.

i bought my canon digital slr this week. she's a beauty. :]
and my fisheye camera & polaroid i just won on ebay are on their way.
my collection of cameras is becoming extensive... and expensive for that matter.
but it's sooooooo worth it.

i got a small little "photo gig" at my work. they wanted new pictures of the building, showroom, and warehouse for the new website they're building. and today i got to go to some of the model homes and take pictures of the flooring to show the work they've done. next week i get to go to some of the custom homes of multi millionares that work for the company. currrazy! but it should be fun.

i keep on having very small but beneficial projects come up that really spark creativity and i love it. makes me wonder if i could one day make a career out of this?
that's the goal isn't it....... doing something you love and getting paid for it? yes, please. sign me up!

sometimes you just have to have those lazy days where you sit around in your pajamas all day, eat ice cream, watch marathons of america's next top model and sex & the city, and not do anything remotely productive.

today is definitely one of those days. and damn it feels good. :]

good thing i get overtime pay for this, otherwise i'd be reeeeeeeally grumpy.
i guess i can't complain.
although the most dreadful part is hearing the adult contemporary top 40 radio they insist on playing running through the speakers all over the showroom. yikes. haha

anyway. it was very nice seeing my grandma a couple weekends ago. but it terrifies me that it may be the last time. she's really not doing well at all. it makes me never want to get old and it makes me never want to see my dad lose his mother, especially after he's already lost his father. i can't imagine what that feels like. and i don't want to.



on a completely other random note, i've recently realized that i must have some sort of psychological complex when it comes to only being attracted to guys that already have a girlfriend. seeing as how the situations i've been in NEVER end well, why on earth would i keep on trying?
majoring in psychology really makes me want to figure myself out.

my grandma has this:

de·men·tia (dĭ-měn'shə)
n.
Deterioration of intellectual faculties, such as memory, concentration, and judgment, resulting from an organic disease or a disorder of the brain. It is sometimes accompanied by emotional disturbance and personality changes.


it's kind of comparable to a alzheimer's, only dementia affects more of the short term memory. so she knows who we are (thank god) but after we leave she might not remember that we were there.
i'm going to utah this weekend to visit her with my parents. she's not doing so well. and i'm very nervous to see her in the state that i imagine she's in.

i'm trying to work on being more optimistic... to appreciate the little things in life.
i dread going to work each morning, because i'm still half asleep.
but this morning as i was driving, the sunrise was absolutely beautiful and i realized just how much beauty is out there in the world that we miss out on because we're too busy being negative, or concentrating on unimportant things.
it probably sounds weird to have such an epiphany over a small thing like a sunrise. but that's the whole point - the things we miss out on are all small things.
i took a picture of it once i parked at work, and it turned out great. makes me happy.

my heart is still healing.
and just when i think i'm doing ok,
something happens to remind me that i'm not.